Stepping Out Of The Box

One of the benefits of purging is being able to display the things I treasure. I’ve been in a season of purging and exposing truths (physically and spiritually) – becoming more vulnerable than I even thought possible.

My grandfather took impeccable care of everything he owned. He was also a pack-rat also so I get that honest I suppose.

I brought his old typewriter home after dad died. It remained in his original carrying box for two years and heaven knows how long it has been since it was used. The same for his camera.

Inisde the box the typewriter was found to be in impeccable condition and still works. The camera in mint condition. The zippers on the lense cases and film cases still work. Even something that is often neglected like the tissue pouch was found in excellent condition to include the cleaning tissue inside the pouch.

Both these items have been stored for years in their original packages, protecting them from damage. The containers they were placed in for protection carried the blunt of the damage – scrapes, discoloration, lose hinges, etc.

The cases, the outer package’s purpose was to protect the valuable items that were inside.

In recent months I have been studying the affect of trauma and how it affects the body.

My body is tired. I have received several diagnosises I haven’t shared publicly yet. I believe these diagnosises are coming so when the day comes He heals me even the doctors will be shocked and make it noteworthy in their records. Call me cray, that’s okay. I’ve been called worse – but I believe God is in every detail of my life and He is allowing all this to fester up in order for Him to be glorified and to teach me new things so I can share with other hurting women who feel alone. People often ask me how I keep going and don’t quit – the only answer I have is that He didn’t quit on me and I truly, with all my soul believe God has a plan and purpose for my life and IF He allows it, THEN He will use it for His good and will see lives being saved or to strengthen another soul.

In 47 years my body- my carrying case – has bean beaten, experienced innocence taken and not only by choice, experienced heartache, disappointment, broken bones, vision loss, hair color change, muscle weakness, saggy skin, stretched skin and muscles from pregnancies . . . Oh you get the point . . . all the normals that come with age but then there are also the affects of suppressed trauma that affects the body in ways I never knew possible.

This body has carried a lot. And one day this body will just give out.

My heart will stop beating and my lungs will no longer fill with air – but my story won’t end there for two reasons – one, my soul will live for eternity. In fact, everyone’s soul will live for eternity, either in the eternal presence with Jesus or in eternal hell. We all have to individually make that decision for ourselves. No one can do that for another person. And the other reason I will live on after death is in my family and in the lives I’ve touched for Jesus. We all have that sort of impact on another life – will I use my impact abilities for good? Or for bad? That is a choice we all make every day.

Have you made a decision to surrender your life to Jesus?

And if so, are you reaching the lost and making disciples? Are you investing in the lives of others?

I recently realized on the day I surrendered my life I made one mistake.

I thought that I was such a bad person that there was absolutely nothing – NOTHING – that was good about me. And I started to suppress that goodness and loud outspoken persoanlity that God actually instilled in me as well as that inner child (I know, you think I’m outspoken now you should have known me then lol).

I started to suppress the spontaneous bursts of singing, laughter, and silliness .

Then fear set in because I was afraid that inner child would come out so I surpressed it more and more –

But what I have seen with a new perspective in recent months is that while we are nothing without Christ, that inner child I have suppressed was made free spirited for a reason. And what He has shown me is that bubbly free spirited personality I love in my girls . . . they got from their momma.

Last year I started praying the Lord would bring me back my funny. This year He gave me Job 8:21, “He will fill your mouth with laughter and your soul with joy.”

In recent months as I anoint myself with oils I began praying, “Lord restore that young soul you created me to be before innocence was lost and self destruction began”.

And you know what . . . He has started to remove the scales of just how much I’ve suppressed and I am starting to see glimmers of hope of that personality trying to find its way out.

He has been showing me the affects of trauma and how much stress and fear affect the body. He has shown me how much my body – my casing that is protecting a valuable part of me – has been fighting to protect my heart and unresolved pains.

I am learning a lot – and I know I am rambling and not making a lot of sense but after months of silence on my blog I sense Him telling me to just share and when He gave me the visual of unpacking the box of valuables to display them He moved mightily in my heart.

God continues to show me that He created me (and YOU) for more than we can even imagine . . . and right now He has me fighting for the rights of the wounded, neglected, and rejected . . . to be kind and gentle and loving and patient (do you recognize those traits) . . . but in order to do that . . .

I have to unpack that inner soul that He created me to be in order for Him to use me in the capacity I was intended to be used for.

It’s time to step out of the box.

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