Something happened to my heart last week.
I was fighting with the Lord (which is so stupid, cause we all know He is gonna get His way one way or another) when I said, “Lord, I cant trust with my heart.”
To which He responded, “Then do you trust me with it?”
In that moment I couldn’t say yes. And that hurt me.
Later that afternoon I met a friend for lunch. We were talking and I told her what I sensed the Lord leading me to do. She then says, “Do you trust Him with your heart, Stacey? Maybe God wants you to walk through this Gethsemane in order to have the victory.”
Whew. I still get goosebumps on that.
A few days later, on Wednesday afternoon, I spent some time at our churches prayer garden. There is a wooden cross assembled there and benches for sitting. It is quiet, peaceful, and full of critters, which always is appealing to me.
While listening to this song (To the Table, Zach Williams), I sensed Him offering me a time of release.
Then He reminded me of a dream I had the previous night. I was standing at a wooden cross, embracing it – well – in that dream I had my arms wrapped around it and legs too – but please – let’s be realistic.
That was a dream.
Reality is these legs ain’t getting wrapped around nothing that I have to hold myself up with!
But when I remembered that dream I realized the “feeling” I had in the dream of being held by Jesus when I was wrapped around the cross.
In that moment I walked to the cross, leaned my forehead on to it, and embraced it.
I didn’t care who walked up or drove by in those moments because it was just me and Him.
Me telling Him I’m scared.
Me telling Him I don’t want to be vulnerable.
Me telling Him I’m tired of living in the shadows of other people’s opinions and expectations that set me up to fail.
In those moments I cried.
But in those moments . . . I was embraced by my Creator, my Father in Heaven.
In those moments He comforted me.
He spoke words of life in me.
He also chastised me for believing the lies of the enemy . . . again.
And He loved me.
Right where I was in that moment.
He just let me be still with Him.
Something amazing happened when I stepped away from that cross.
I can’t quite describe it but what I experienced in that moment was transforming.
Maybe it can best be described as a grounding moment.
A deeper anchor set hook into my faith.
A deeper trust in Him.
And deeper realization that the only shadows of rejection, abandonment, failures, I live behind are the ones I allow to be there.
Shedding off of layers from our past takes time y’all. The Lord knows it takes time to undo all the lies and filth that has been poured in to us but it also takes time to undo all that we have done to ourselves as well. The truth is we couldn’t handle an instant undoing all at once and I don’t think we would appreciate an instant transformation – I think arrogance would sneak its way in there if we didn’t have to rely on Him to see us through.
We often show grace to others when they blow it or are walking through a tough time – I want to encourage you to extend grace to yourself as well when you are cyphering through a bunch of junk. I want to encourage you to step out from behind the shadows of disappointment, fear, and hurt. Don’t do like me, don’t lose days, weeks, and even months, by reliving it all over again. Just step out.
The only shadow I want to live under is the shadow of the Almighty.
We are His craftsmanship.
We are made for a purpose.
Shake the dust off your feet and move on.
You were made for more.