A few weeks ago the Lord began unveiling a plan of change for me. And to be 100% honest, I was not okay. I shared last week how I was even disobedient and what that cost me in The Pains of Disobedience post. But as the days have unfolded one phrase has continued to be a part of this new season for me – the feet of Jesus – and yesterday it all began to make perfect sense.
Within a few days of stepping out in obedience and stepping back in an area of teaching God filled my heart with peace. I knew it was exactly what He was calling me to do but my heart was broken at the same time.
As God has continued to work out some details I began some self-evaluating – and some of these possibilities are tough to admit:
Did I not trust His plan enough?
Or did I let fear creep in of the unknown?
Maybe I was too worried about what people would think?
And maybe I allowed pains of past rejection to run rampant in my head that I really wasn’t good enough to teach?
Maybe I was concerned with letting the women down that I adore?
Maybe I didn’t actually trust God enough to work out the details?
And maybe – just maybe I thought I knew better than God?
At some point I think every one of those scenarios were truth. But – what God has done as I surrendered those thoughts and fears to Him was to unveil truth. He continued to take me to scripture that countered what satan intended to harm me. He continued to use a friend to speak to words of life over me and to take me back to the known – the truth – the rock of my foundation. (For the record, everyone needs a friend like that and if you don’t have one, start praying for one.) My devotionals – seriously – EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. have been spot on and dealt with exactly what I was walking through. Yesterday was no exception.
Yesterday morning as I was putting on my shoes I sensed the strangest thing – I was to start praying to have “feet like Jesus”. So I asked God to give me feet like Jesus, not knowing, and honestly still not knowing what exactly that entails.
Yesterday’s morning devotional – it was on Mary and Martha. One of these ladies is a servant but often seems to have gotten distracted with busyness and focused on the necessity of physical foods. While the other’s focus on on taking in all of Jesus she could get – sitting at the feet of Jesus. God showed me through that devotional that they are both good – but there are seasons for service and seasons for taking in.
Yesterday – for the first time in years – I was able to attend a Bible study offered through my church. In fact, I know for at least three years I have wanted to attend this particular study but a busy schedule and obligations kept me away. What is so amazing though is what God did while sitting in class – but before that I need to share how Satan tried to deceive me –
My schedule to get my children to school on time does not allow me to get to the class early. In fact, most days I will likely be five minutes late. The first thing that Satan tried doing to persuade me from attending is to tell me how much of a distraction I would be walking in late. The second thing that he tried to do was panic me from the size of the classroom – holy macaroni – it is huge! The third thing he tried to do was tell me I wasn’t smart enough for this class. And he almost won that one – in the middle of a panic and in near tears I did the only thing I knew I could do – pray.
“Lord, I need you to connect the pieces here. I don’t understand any of this. I need you to open up these brain capillaries (yes, I actually prayed that lol) and help me understand. I know I don’t have to get it all but I need you to show me what I am to glean from this class. I need you to do this for me.
And y’all – I have goosebumps just remembering what happened next – my pen started flowing as the teacher spoke and she started breaking down everything on that paper. I was expected to already know – even those a large majority of the ladies had been in her class for years – she was still breaking it down – explaining words and phrases and what this means and that. It was like (oh I have goosebumps) God was unfolding before me a deeper yearning I have had for years and missed out on. It was like I was literally sitting at Jesus’ feet and He was feeding my soul.
But I’m not done yet –
Something incredible happened.
The very thing I had been struggling with just weeks before was a part of our lesson for yesterday – God – in His infinite ability – displayed word for word and confirmed to the depths of my soul that I heard from Him and that the words I spoke were exactly what He instructed me to say.
I knew why Satan had been working so hard to distract me and try and take my focus off obedience. I knew why Satan didn’t want me in that class. He wanted me to remain confused and not have the knowledge to speak truth.
How many times do we waiver, doubt, and squirm in our seats when God is trying to remove something from our lives? Even something that is good is not good when God says no or not now.
Lord I thank you for going before me. I thank you for being so gentle and loving through these last few weeks of struggling. Thank you for letting this class you have me in start a week late so that I could attend. Thank you for opening my schedule so I can attend and not be overwhelmed. Thank you for paving the way and not giving up on me when I fall in to the traps of deception. Continue to teach me and make me more like you. Thank you for this season of sitting at Jesus’ feet – a season of stillness. A season of getting to know you more. Amen.