I woke up this morning singing THIS SONG, knowing I was to blog about it and what it means to me but I ran out of time before church. You can imagine my surprise, though, when our choir breaks out singing this same song in service!

I just about had a spell y’all!

God is dealing with me so tenderly and sweetly on self worth issues so for Him to wake me up singing this to me blessed my soul.

Who the son sets free is free indeed
I am a child of God – yes I am!
In my Father’s house there’s a place for me – I am child of God – yes I am!
I am chosen –
not forsaken
I am who you say I am
you are for me – not against me –
I am who YOU say I am
you are for me – not against me – 
I am chosen – not forsaken
I am who you say I am
You are for me – not against me
I am who you say I am 
Yes I am who you say I am
Who the son sets free – is free indeed!
I am a child of God – YES, I AM!

I am finding a new freedom in who I am.

And I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

It’s scary – but freeing to not view success based on the physical realm like I had been taught all my life.

All I have ever known was physical beauty and how to get what I wanted for physical, instant gratification pleasure. Then, with sobriety, the weight gain began. It has fluctuated up and down but I’ve mostly been in the obese range during my sobriety.

While that heavily concerns me, I have found a weird place of being okay with my fluffiness. It is very easy for my mind to take me back to sexualizing everything. And even after walking with the Lord for nineteen years, during my times of weight loss, I found my mind going back to that same thought pattern. Having that mind set got me in a lot of trouble while I was actively drinking . . . . .

And I don’t want to go back to that sort of thinking pattern.

In recent weeks I have pondered, “Lord, is that why the weight won’t come off? Is that why you have me this size, to protect me? Is what I see as an ugly curse maybe a gift you’ve given me? To protect me . . .  If so, I thank you. If this is my cross to bear, to love myself in my absolute being – in my flesh – in order to be the being you created me to be – then I accept my fat. Help me love myself.”

While I am still struggling with the physical, can I just tell you what God has done on the inside?

Remember a few weeks ago when I shared about being magnificent? If you missed that you can read about it here, I. Am. Magnificent– cause you will need to know the history to know why this is so huge for me – I can finally say it – and it’s not just be lip service – even though I am fluffy – even though nothing has changed on the outside – something has changed – on the inside

I am no longer defined a failure because of my physical body or my economical status  – but I can recognize that I am defined by grace. I am defined as a person who loves Jesus with all her heart. That seeks Him to know Him more intimately and personally. That seeks Him to be more like Him. And because I believe what scripture says, that He died for my sins. That He died for my past failures. That He died for my abusers. That He doesn’t waste a hurt, that He can use ALL things for His glory for the purpose of helping others to draw them unto Him – because He is giving my past pains purpose – because He is using me to serve others and because I am allowing Him to heal and reveal the dark parts of my soul

– I can now say it –

i am magnificent

If you are struggling I need you to know you aren’t alone.

As women we so often compare ourselves to other women – we live in a world of plastic where everything is photo shopped and because we spend more time on social media or news networks that we do in God’s Word we have fallen in to the trap of believing what man thinks about beauty over what God says about us. We see beauty based on a woman’s physical body – one that has a perfect hour glass shape, or their skin is tone is blemish free, or their jaw line is firm, or their tummies are flat – and because we can’t measure up to the world’s standards we label ourselves failures or not beautiful.

And that’s bondage.

Those are lies from satan and when we believe those lies we have given satan access to  our self worth and that causes division because us and our Lord. 

Lord, thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for taking me one step closer to freedom in you. Thank you for speaking so softly and tenderly to me this morning and then blessing me with more of “my song” in worship today. Heal our hearts. Let us bask in you and not in what the world says. Allow us to receive only what is of you Lord. Amen.

Ephesians 2:10  “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Psalm 139:14  “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

1 Peter 3:3-4  “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”