A few weeks ago I shared I was gifted the most adorable coach handbag from one of my Thrive leaders as a thank you for my hard work and how much I loved it . . . 

Ask me how many times I’ve used it . . . 

Ask where it has been since I received the gift I love . . . 

Last week God blessed and provided for me to purchase a vehicle. The only thing I was asking God for was a dependable vehicle with bucket seats and low mileage . . . and somehow God decided to hand me a top of the line 2013 Tahoe with less than ten thousand miles a year that was and is top of the the line. A new one would run $70,000 plus dollars. And yet somehow God allowed me to pay a marginal fraction of that. 

When there have been needs in my life and even for others . . . especially when I’m praying for someone who is an unbeliever or whose faith is waiverobg, I often pray, “Lord, provide in such a way that only You can be glorified.” Well I would say God showed out over this one y’all. And while I am so excited and still feel like I’m dreaming, I am majorly struggling with guilt and unworthiness. 

Even over my adorable hot pink coach bag. 

I haven’t even used it . . . Yet. 

I remember vividly the seasons of standing in line asking for help with food for my family. 

I remember standing in lines asking for help with utilies. 

And I remember standing in lines asking for Christmas help . 

I also remember all the people around me driving GORGEOUS cars while I drove a clunker. 

I remember their hair was freshly curled and colored. 

I remember their nails . . . Beautiful fake nails with brilliant colors. 

And I remember their beautiful Coach and Gucci bags. 

All while standing in lines for handouts. 

I remember thinking I wish I wasn’t honest. 

I remember thinking I was pathetic. 

I remember thinking I was worthless. 

I remember thinking I just needed to get out of these lines because I was so angry they could afford to wear and drive and spoil themselves  while standing in lines for handouts and here I was hoping for a gift for my kids for Christmas. 

One of the many things I learned in the first two years of my sobriety and faith walk was the word gleaning. I learned about it through the book of Ruth. That word stuck with me and still does. All those years we struggled worse than many realized, I worked by cleaning houses and doing odd jobs but we never went without necessities. God said He would provide, but I needed to work, just as Ruth had done . . . 

She worked, and God provided. And my how God rewarded Ruth’s obedience. God used her to bring through the lineage of my Lord and Savior. Isn’t that incredible?! 

I wonder if Ruth struggled with unworthiness and guilt. . . maybe it’s these feelings of guilt and unworthiness that the Lord is using to keep me grounded.  I don’t know, but I do know when I filled my cute hot pink bag this morning I had heart palpations and had to keep convincing myself it was okay to use something I was rewarded with because of hard work. It now has my ID, bank cards, some cash (which I’ve never carried before), and an essential oil. 


And as petty as this is I have decided as much as I share and tell people of their worth, today is my day to tell myself . . .

I am worthy. 

I am valuable.

I am blessed . . . all because of Grace. 

And it’s okay.