A few weeks ago I shared I was gifted the most adorable coach handbag from one of my Thrive leaders as a thank you for my hard work and how much I loved it . . .
Ask me how many times I’ve used it . . .
Ask where it has been since I received the gift I love . . .
Last week God blessed and provided for me to purchase a vehicle. The only thing I was asking God for was a dependable vehicle with bucket seats and low mileage . . . and somehow God decided to hand me a top of the line 2013 Tahoe with less than ten thousand miles a year that was and is top of the the line. A new one would run $70,000 plus dollars. And yet somehow God allowed me to pay a marginal fraction of that.
When there have been needs in my life and even for others . . . especially when I’m praying for someone who is an unbeliever or whose faith is waiverobg, I often pray, “Lord, provide in such a way that only You can be glorified.” Well I would say God showed out over this one y’all. And while I am so excited and still feel like I’m dreaming, I am majorly struggling with guilt and unworthiness.
Even over my adorable hot pink coach bag.
I haven’t even used it . . . Yet.
I remember vividly the seasons of standing in line asking for help with food for my family.
I remember standing in lines asking for help with utilies.
And I remember standing in lines asking for Christmas help .
I also remember all the people around me driving GORGEOUS cars while I drove a clunker.
I remember their hair was freshly curled and colored.
I remember their nails . . . Beautiful fake nails with brilliant colors.
And I remember their beautiful Coach and Gucci bags.
All while standing in lines for handouts.
I remember thinking I wish I wasn’t honest.
I remember thinking I was pathetic.
I remember thinking I was worthless.
I remember thinking I just needed to get out of these lines because I was so angry they could afford to wear and drive and spoil themselves while standing in lines for handouts and here I was hoping for a gift for my kids for Christmas.
One of the many things I learned in the first two years of my sobriety and faith walk was the word gleaning. I learned about it through the book of Ruth. That word stuck with me and still does. All those years we struggled worse than many realized, I worked by cleaning houses and doing odd jobs but we never went without necessities. God said He would provide, but I needed to work, just as Ruth had done . . .
She worked, and God provided. And my how God rewarded Ruth’s obedience. God used her to bring through the lineage of my Lord and Savior. Isn’t that incredible?!
I wonder if Ruth struggled with unworthiness and guilt. . . maybe it’s these feelings of guilt and unworthiness that the Lord is using to keep me grounded. I don’t know, but I do know when I filled my cute hot pink bag this morning I had heart palpations and had to keep convincing myself it was okay to use something I was rewarded with because of hard work. It now has my ID, bank cards, some cash (which I’ve never carried before), and an essential oil.
I am worthy.
I am valuable.
I am blessed . . . all because of Grace.
And it’s okay.