The Chambers of the Heart

I’ve started this post many times in my head and even on paper, but when I sit down to share my heart the words just don’t seem to flow so I just need to write.

Several years ago I experienced a pain I never imagined experiencing as a Christian. I won’t get in to the details, but the pain is real and I live with it every day . . .  wondering, doubting, and questioning everything. I thought I had dealt with the pain and had forgiven the person, but every time something new happens, it hashes up the pain, which increases the bitterness, which causes one to relive the hurt, which increases the pain, which increases the bitterness, which causes one to relive the hurt . . . . do you see where I am going with this? I am a visual person, so in my mind I see the image of a pair of lungs (yes, I know this is about matters of the heart, just bear with me), specifically the image of the lungs of a smoker.

Image result for images of smokers lungs

Before the person began smoking, their lungs didn’t look black and hard. Their lungs were vibrant in color and functioned beautifully. With every breath in they received fresh, clean air that filled their lungs with oxygen and continued to feed the body life through the blood stream.  But then, the person decided to pick up a cigarette. And maybe for the first few months or even years they felt no physical side effects, but then  . . . .

the coughing started

then the heaviness in their chest

then the coughing when they woke up in the morning

. . .  while all this is going on, their lungs are still functioning, breathing in, breathing out . . . . but they are tainted. And look, the teeth of that smoker . . . but wait, the teeth have NOTHING to do with the lungs, so who cares . . . . but oh, don’t you see it? Whatever it is that is causing those lungs to be tainted, it now impacting other parts of the body.

Your overall health is declining.

Your clothes stink.

Your fingers are turning yellow.

Your voice is raspy.

Your lungs are black.

Everything that I have just explained to you is what has happened to my heart because of unforgiveness.

On Saturday, March 7th I asked you to pray for me. I shared my heart was full of unforgivness, bitterness, hate, and rage with friends and acquaintances on fb.

Thank you for praying.

I am amazed at how God has orchestrated the days after that profession. The following day while in church we sang a song, Break Every Chain. I had planned on posting a link to this amazing song, but all the videos have been removed from youtube with links to the song, so I will post the lyrics instead. Please read these powerful words. There are many of the same lines repeated over and over, so don’t just fly through them. Read them . . . one line at a time. This song has become my prayer for the deep rooted bitterness and hatred that has turned my heart black.

“There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

All sufficient sacrifice
So freely given
Such a price
Bought our redemption
Heaven’s gates swing wide

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

To Break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain”

In the days since the profession, I continue to remember the words my counselor prayed over me, “Father, take her back to the basics.” I shivered because for YEARS (since the ‘pain’ began) the Lord has told  me, “get back to the basics.” My personal journey for basics takes me back to the Most Excellent Way, where it all began. While I have not been able to attend meetings, I have begun writing in a journal again, doing topical Bible searches, and remembering me. Oddly enough, I opened my Bible to have this fall out days following her prayer.

Displaying IMG_20150318_052428_429.jpg

It’s the first step in recovery. Humility. Admitting there is a problem. This pamphlet is from The Most Excellent Way meetings.

The ONLY “thing” I have done is to profess the bitterness and hate. The ONLY reason I confessed the hatred was because I was physically dying, mentally, and spiritually dying. The hatred and bitterness was affecting my day to day life. I could no longer compartmentalize it. I could no longer separate the pain. It had crept slowly and effortlessly to the remainder of my heart. Another example the Lord has given me is scar tissue. You have scar tissue from a wound. The wound hurts. It is fresh. As the wound heals, there is scar tissue forming. Sometimes that scar tissues is more painful than the wound/incision itself. Sometimes surgeons have to go back in just to remove scar tissue because it has spread and causing more pain than the original problem. Wow.

Right now, The Great Physician is operating on my heart. It started with profession and the need to be me again, the need to laugh again. The need to be free.

In the past twelve days, God has given many instances of confirming the need to forgive.  A song.  An essential oil bottle labeled forgiveness. A friend mentioning another friend’s miraculous experience with forgiveness and she just “happened” to be in Pensacola this week and would be available to have coffee on the only day I am free. I hate to use the word feel, but these last twelve days “feel” like an outer body experience. I am still here, but I see all this work going on that is slowly and effortlessly (and yes at times over the last twelve days it has made me very mad that “I” HAVE to forgive, but somehow He is working on that too) being cleansed. Being purified. Being set free.

In just the last two or three days, my home has been different. Bouts of laughter, though I admit to realizing what I was doing and would abruptly stop in an effort to “maintain control” again. Ha. That didn’t last for long. Communication has started back up from where I had completely withdrawn myself from my husband. In just twelve days, my life seems different. Our circumstances are still the same. We still deal with melt downs from a child on the spectrum, and another with anxiety and sensory issues, we are still looking for the perfect place to call home, we are still driving an insanely amount of distances for appointments every day. But . . . . something has definitely begun to change.

As a friend and I shared yesterday, we talked about God’s forgiveness to us and how we don’t deserve what we have received from Him (Ephesians 4:32). We discussed several scriptures. Certain ones brought back a flood of emotion remembering where the Lord has brought me. One in particular is Luke 7:47, “Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that’s why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little.” I am sure I am not the only one that can say this, but my oh my, if you only knew a fraction of what I have been forgiven. Whew! Who am I to not forgive? So easy to say, but so hard to put in to practice. It’s not going to be easy, because pain is involved, but I can say it is a step I am willing to take.

I will close with this, a link to the song a friend shared with me this week. I’ve heard it a hundred times before, but it is amazing when it is meant “just for you.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

Also, another song, “Lord of the Breakthrough.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSnGV68bKRg

“Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn He went to the temple complex again, and all the people were coming to Him. He sat down and began to teach them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, making her stand in the center.

Teacher, they said to Him, this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. In the law of Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do You say?

They asked this to trap Him, in order that they might have evidence to accuse Him. Jesus stooped down and started writing on the ground with His finger. When they persisted in questioning Him, He stood up and said to them,

The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her.

Then He stooped down again and continued writing on the ground. When they heard this, they left one by one, starting with the older men. Only He was left, with the woman in the center.”

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