I am not sure where this post is going, or where it will lead, but I have this burning desire to write so here goes . . . .

My heart is broken because I have lead my youngest daughter the wrong way.

My son too.

My walk with the Lord has been like a weeble wabble the last three years.  Trying to cling on to a faith that was once so strong and invincible, but not willing to do anything to keep it that way.

Sure, I’ve had hot moments of worship and mountain top experiences, but the majority of the last three years have been deep in the valley.

I can only blame myself.  I have allowed bitterness, anger, and hurt to root deep in my heart.  Even my oldest daughter sees the hardened heart and has been quite vocal on calling me out (she gets her boldness from someone, but I can’t quite figure out who! lol).

My tongue has become rather flippant with two phrases the last six months.  “What the h**!” and “Well that just p***** me off!”  fly out regularly now.  At first it bothered me, but the more I said it, the less I cared.

A few weeks ago during one of Christopher’s melt downs, I was thrown for a loop when the words, “It p***** me off when you don’t listen to me!” came flying out of his mouth.  The melt down stopped as I sat on the floor and cried with him, asking him to forgive me and vowing to not use that word or phrase again.

Then tonight, my precious Kaitlyn . . . . .tears fills my eyes as I think on her words. . . . .  We were laughing in the car when the radio blares so loud we both screamed in horror and laughter.  Amongst the laughter came rollings the words, “What the hell made that happen?!”

Once again, I found myself having to apologize to another child for leading them down the wrong path, for not setting the example of who I am (supposed to be) in Christ.

I’ve recently attempted to evaluate my choices over the last few months.

I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in my life time and time again.  Even with me rejecting Him these several months; He has continued to speak to me and guide me.

Several nights ago, I laid in the bed and cried.  There was no long prayer.  No explanation or excuse, just, “I can’t do this.”

I was raised to “suck it up and do what you gotta do.”  “Pull up your boot straps . . . .”  “Take the bull by the horns . . . . “

I’ve done that my entire life.  Before Christ, and with Christ.

It ain’t workin’ though.  I’m tired.  Dog tired.

I’m wondering, is that what our walk with the Lord is supposed to be?  It seems to me, (and I might be way off base here . . . ) but if that is what I’m doing, then I am depending on me and not on the Lord.  I’m not saying one shouldn’t ever do, heavens no, but how much of life have I spent trying to do this on my own . . . . “you know, sucking it up and doing what I have to do??”

How does a person really and truly release self will and personal agenda to rely on God?

I don’t have that answer.

Right now, I’m not even searching for that answer.

But . . . . . . .

I do know my heart is hurting.

I do know I miss my Jesus.

I do know I love Him.

I do know I am struggling with trusting Him.

I do know I am angry.

I do know I am jealous.

I do know I am disappointed.

But . . . . .

I also know, when tragedy comes to others, He’s the first person I run to on their behalf.

I do know . . . . I want better than “where I am now.”  

I do know I miss my deep rooted faith that at one time would not be shaken.

I do know that means opening my Bible even when I don’t want to.

I do know that means discipline.

I do know that means forgiving others and myself.

I do know that means trusting Him despite my current circumstances.

I do know I can’t live this thing called life without Him.

I do know I am more miserable without communion with Him than I am in my current circumstances . . . .

so I guess that’s where I need to start.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns came to my mind while jotting these words down tonight.  The last few lines of the song . . . . “Be careful little eyes what you see . . . . . . ”  are sang in a child’s voice.  I’ve always said, “If it’s not good enough for a child to see or say, then it’s not good enough for me.”

“Oh Lord, heal my wounded, angry heart.  Set me free.  Amen.”