Dealing With, "It."

I knew when I didn’t want to plant my winter garden something was wrong.  But I ignored “it.”  I excused “it” as I just had too much going on and life would be OK without a garden. 

For months I sensed the Lord telling me to slow down. That I was doing too much; too much volunteer work, too much Avon, too much cleaning (for others), just too much; so much, that my home was suffering.

Reluctantly, because I was so worried about that others would think that I wasn’t “doing enough” to provide for my family, I reduced my Avon customer’s, my cleaning customers, and my volunteer hours. 

Slowly, the guilt of slowing down began to seem to lift; but I didn’t bounce back up to my normal self.

Still I ignored, “it.”  I kept pushing all the symptoms back down and sucked “it” up, till I couldn’t “suck it up” anymore.

That horrible “it,” being depression.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with depression .  

Around that same time, though I can’t remember if it was before or after the diagnosis of depression, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

Treatment began and I struggled.  I struggled so bad because my faith was at a VERY strong place in my life and I just couldn’t figure out how a person with “faith” could be depressed! 

While I still struggle with that concept, (By the way, if you are “one of those people” that think “if you have faith then you can’t be depressed,” then you might as well check out of this post right now.) I, once again, know I am at an all time “high” with my walk with the Lord. 

No kidding! 

It has been phenomenal! 

For 17 months, since Chris lost his job, God has stepped out of Heaven and held my hand. 

He has been my friend. 

He has been my strength. 

He has been my healer. 

He has been my banker. 

He has been my mechanic. 

He has been in just about every person’s path I have crossed in these 17 months. 

He has provided in the most incredible ways that I am still in such awe. 

In fact, He has provided for my family so well, I now worry that I’m not worried about how bills are going to be paid!  Isn’t that crazy! I mean, come on!  Just typing it out made me laugh! 

So why now am I finding it impossible to get out of bed?

Why now is just putting one foot in front of the other a chore?

Or getting dressed?  Why is it so hard?  I have spent more than half of the last three weeks in my pajama’s.  Yes.  I put clean ones on . . . some of the time; eventually.

And my house.  It’s a pig pen.  Every few days I have shuffled through to try and tidy up; but oh heaven if you go behind closed doors.   

I have quit functioning.

It has taken all I can do to just get through each day . . . . without tears.

This very morning, I received the following email from a cousin that lives in my favorite place, Crystal Springs, MS. 

During my time with the Lord this morning, I knew it was time to deal with it.  Just knowing the Lord put me on her heart, hundreds of miles away, made taking that first step, OK.
It reads:

Hey Stacey,

Don’t know what is going on in your world today but I awoke thinking of you this morning. I believe that when we have those out of no where thoughts that it God placing those in our heads and hearts so that we can pray for their needs. I then got this devotional and again you immediately came to mind – not because I think you are a good or bad Mom – but one that God feels is so special that He gave not one but TWO special needs children. I can only imagine how trying some of your days are and I admire you while I watch your daily walk from afar. I had two “normal” kids and didn’t do a very good job and I am constantly amazed at the love and patience God has in your heart to be able to deal with what you do. Just know you are loved and prayed for daily.

I love you,
Marsha”
I basically wrote her back through tears to tell her everything I just shared with you all. 
While I try my best to keep my life open and share the trials and joys of our home; to give glory to God in and through all things; having to write these words and admit that after 17 months of managing my fibro and depression without medication; and even trying some more natural ways to get a handle on it, I just can’t. 
I share this asking that you would pray for me in the coming days.  I see my doctor on the afternoon of the 14th to see what my options are.
I’m ready to be better physically, and mentally. 
Stacey

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