Its been 30 days tonight that I put my first born on an airplane for the west coast.  I still expect her to walk in the room and start complaining about her curfew and stomp through the house, or plop down on the floor and start coloring with the kids . . .    

A few weeks before Kayla left, she and I went to dinner at Olive Garden thanks to a gift certificate a friend had given me for my birthday.

After dinner we went to Sam’s to pick up a few things.  As I pulled into the parking lot, a song came on the radio that I knew was going to bring me to tears.  As the words played, “there goes my life, my future, my everything, . . . . . hugged them both and headed off to the . . . west coast. . . . ” the sobbing began.  I was losing my life . . . . “to the west coast.”  Even typing these words and remembering that heartache brings tears to my eyes and heart.

It’s amazing how life turns around.  I wasn’t always a good mother.  The fact is, I point blank stunk at it.  I was never there for her as a child.  I was in the bars; and even taking her in with me.  I couldn’t miss out on “my life” so I pawned her off on whoever I could or took her with me. 

I am so thankful she doesn’t remember those years.  I’m so thankful for forgiveness and grace.

This song, There Goes My Life, is as close as it gets to describing our life (other than the roles . . . . and, no, Kayla’s closet has NEVER been full of the Abercrombie clothe line and she didn’t leave with an American Express! lol!  In fact, funny story, I had  never even heard of that clothing line until someone gave Kaitlyn an outfit for Christmas this past year!  I’m so not interested in labels . . . thank you God for making me simple!)

Anyway, I hope you will listen to that song; every time I hear it I cry.

Kayla married her love, Jacob, on the 30th of December 2011.

The first 48 hours I wept uncontrollably.  No lie.  Cleaning out her dresser drawers, I got a whiff of her perfume and the bawling started again.  I honestly didn’t know how I was going to live without my little girl . . . the girl that saw me through being a crappy mother, a mother that slept in the car with her when she had nowhere else to go, a mother battling sobriety, a mother with a temper, a mother that came to know a Man that offered an amazing saving grace, a mom that beat alcoholism with God’s strength, a mom that got re-married, a mom that miscarried, a mom that had a baby boy that we came to find out has Aspergers, a mom that had a second baby girl that now is learning to cope with sensory, anxiety, and ocd issues . . . . She had seen me through it all; she kept me alive when I wanted to die. 

She was my hero, and this song, says it all.  It is one of mine and hers favorite.

With each passing day it got a little better . . . . and then one day, in the midst of cleaning the bathroom (and crying because that was her weekly chore and I was missing her), the Lord brought to mind David Letterman and his top 10 countdown. 

Now, I NEVER watch this show and haven’t for YEARS because usually, I am in bed LONG BEFORE he comes on (is he even still on the air ???) and I have NO IDEA why it even came to mind; but it was like the Lord gave me a way to laugh about a tough situation. 

He gave me a top 10 count down of the pros of Kayla moving out!  I’m not kidding!  And wait till you see what the number 1 best reason for Kayla moving out is! 

So here goes:

The top 10 positive reasons of  Kayla moving out are:

10. no more taxi service to school and work

9. no more slamming cabinets at midnight when everyone’s asleep because she just got home from work.

8. no more stomping through the house (raised house, not concrete slab)

7. no more rolling of the eyes (at least I can’t see it through the phone line . . . skype, yes, . . . phone line, no πŸ˜‰

6. no more bickering amongst siblings because they are “getting on my nerves!”

5. no more, β€œmom I’m out of shampoo!”

4.  no more, β€œugh, you have no idea what you are talking about!  Everyone elses mom lets THEM do it!”

3.  less money spent on the grocery bill, power bill, and water bill

2. no more, β€œKayla, it’s your cat, clean the cat litter!”
AND THE BEST THING ABOUT  Kayla moving out . . . . . .

1. THERE’S LESS CRAP IN THE ALREADY FAILING SEPTIC SYSTEM!
So, on this one month anniversary of Kayla flying out to California, while I miss her terribly and doubt that I will ever stop worrying, I can cry a simple tear . . . or two . . . or three, and know that I, and she, will be OK. 
And that’s a good thing πŸ™‚