Reminded me of something Pastor Donnie said Sunday, “Who are you modeling yourself after and trying to be like? If it is anyone other than God, then you have just worshipped an idol.”
Instantly, I knew I was guilty as charged.
Why do we do it?
Why do we want so desperately what others have?
Why at 40 years old would a person still secretly yearn to be a part of the “in crowd?”
Why does that matter?
Is it not being content in all things?
Is it seeing special treatment and yearning for that acceptance?
Is it that twang of jealousy that you thought was dealt with?
I don’t know the answers to those questions, but what I do know is that my personal walk is being challenged, and purified . . . . refined as silver.
Over the last three months I have gorged daily.
I have gained 10 pounds of the 54 I lost.
I had already struggled eating since my surgery; and then as the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday’s approached, and baking crept in, and snack foods appeared; and toss in to that the emotions of having my oldest daughter “fly the coop,” I was one big blubbering mess.
Every morning for three months I popped chocolate while drinking my coffee.
Every time I walked in or through the kitchen I reached for something to put in my mouth.
Every night before bed, I had cookies and milk or pop tart loaded with butter with a glass of ice cold milk.
Every morning, I cried out to God, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
As each day has continued in this vicious cycle for three months, I have found more and more reason to have conflict with my husband. Evey little thing he has done has driven me NUTS!
Each day that continued I felt more sorry for myself and beat myself up more and more. My journaling turned to whining instead of praising.
“Why couldn’t I get my focus back? What is wrong with me?” were daily questions, asked multiple times a day.
My heart was yearning, but my head was telling myself I couldn’t do and it was just a waste of time to even try.
God has given me the most remarkable woman to be my accountability partner. Just days ago, she called to check in on me, and when she asked how I was doing I said, “Well, I have a bag of Cheetos (the crunchy ones, not those filled with air) in front of me I’ve been eating and now I am on to popcorn and milk duds; what does that tell you?”
She said, “Stacey, I heard in your voice something just wasn’t right. You know you can tell me anything.”
Yes. I was able to unload burden after burden. I knew that because of Whose she is. She has invested time in me and I knew she would be praying and making intercession on my behalf.
Yesterday morning, I cut through the crap and journaled, “I am miserable. I am gorging. Please help.”
God spoke, “It is time.”
With that, I went to the kitchen to prepare the first healthy breakfast I have had in months; 2.5 oz of lean ham, an egg, and an apple.
Feeling a sense of, “Ok, I can do this;” I messaged my mentor of this accomplishment.
To my amazement, she responded, “You were sooo on my heart when I was getting ready this morning. The phrase, “Don’t undo the work I have done in you” came from God. And it was intercession for you, my friend! It’s all good. Love you much!”
Just reading those words again, taking in a deep breath and getting fresh oxygen to the brain and lungs rejuvenates me!
As women, we (I) must stop comparing ourselves (myself) to other women; to their size, to their house, to their cars, to the number of friends they have, to their wallets, to their activities, . . . no wonder plastic surgery is so popular and the world is in debt.
We are worshipping idols! (Ok, maybe none of you reading this are guilty of it, but I am.)
“Lord forgive me I pray. Take my walk deeper than ever. Keep me ground and ever so dependent on You and You alone. Amen.”