Christopher’s birthday was Monday.  God was gracious to us.  He not only provided for his birthday gift, but he granted me favor with my AVON sales that allowed us to take him to Chuck E. Cheese.   The family met us there, and thankfully, our family understands our situation.  While they had to pay their own way, they came to celebrate this special day with us.  That blesses this momma’s heart.

Towards the middle of the evening, Chris had to leave to get him and Kayla to class.  Mom and Aunt Char left shortly after and Michelle and her family shortly after that.

Kaitlyn still had boocoo’s of tokens left.  While she continued to play I took Christopher to get his many tickets counted by the chomper.  Once he got his prizes, it was Kaitlyn’s turn. 

After getting all of Kaitlyn’s tickets counted, I hear a piercing cry for, “MOMMY!!!!!!”  It continues over and over.  While I could see Christopher, and while the walk (OK, run) to where he was, was not far, it seemed like a lifetime to get to him.  He was running frantically in all directions looking for me.  He thought I left him.  As we embraced, I assured him I would never, ever, ever leave him, EVER!  In my heart, the thought, that he ACTUALLY thought I would leave him, absolutely broke my heart.

Later that evening, either in a dream or a reflection of the evening, the Lord spoke to my soul.

I recently went through a period of approximately two years where I thought the Lord had left me.  I was angry, hurt, frustrated, and I wanted answers to all the reason He just stood aside and “let” things happen to me and my family. 

What the Lord revealed to me are clouds.  That’s right, clouds.  While I was frantically running around crying out, “Lord, where are you?  Lord, where are you?  Lord, WHERE ARE YOU?!”  He could see me (just as I could see Christopher), but I couldn’t see Him (just as Christopher couldn’t see me). 

The Lord showed me how much pain He must have experienced for His child, me, to claim ‘He had abandoned me.’  I can make this assumption because of the pain I felt when my child thought I had abandoned him.  It absolutely broke my heart.

He then revealed truths to me.

Worry, doubt, confusion, bitterness, hatred, anger, jealousy, envy (yes, they are different), all these “emotions” caused cloudiness in my path of seeing the Lord.  The view to the Father becomes distorted, hence the “feeling” of abandonment.
The facts are many:
~Once you are a child of King Jesus, He never leaves you.  Hebrews 13:5 says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

~The Lord is always going before me.  Deuteronomy 31:8, “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

~Worry shows my lack of faith.  Matthew 6:25-34,  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your lifeAnd why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

~Doubting causes disruption.  James 1:6, “But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.

~Confusion comes from satan.  I Corinthians 14:33, “for God is not a God of confusion but of peace . . “

~Bitterness keeps me in bondage.  Acts 8:32, “For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bondage of iniquity.”

~Hatred stirs up strife!  Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions.”

~Anger shows ‘lack of good sense.’  Proverbs 14:29, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.”

~Jealousy brings rages.  Proverbs 6:34, “For jealousy enrages a man . . . . “

~Envy brings slander.  Christ was crucified because of envy.  Mark 15:10, “For he was aware that the chief priests had handed Him over because of envy.”

Gee, no wonder I couldn’t see the Lord!  All these feelings literally clouded my thinking, my judgement, my focus AND affected my obedience

While time has healed, no, not time, the Lord has healed many of the areas that brought on these “feelings,” I have not surrendered them all.  Fear, is a big one, that I didn’t even mention.  I know this because, not only is that “cloud” there keeping me from seeing my Father as He yearns to be seen, but it shows through my obedience . . . or lack of obedience, especially in my eating.

I weigh in tomorrow for the first time in five weeks (since my surgery).  I have had many bad weeks, some “so-so” weeks, good days and bad days.  Just yesterday I caved in to the aroma of Dorito’s that loomed in the air . . . oh my!  Not just one handful, but two.  Then this morning, at 2:22, I woke up starving!  Yes, the Brown Sugar and Cinammon Pop Tart with an 8 oz glass of fat free (does that count towards being good?!) milk was scrumptious AND YES!  Confession is definitely good for the soul!  🙂

While I know I will see several pounds added to my last weigh in, as I can “feel” the bloated and stuffy feeling one gets from gorging, my hope and prayer is that He will use the weight gain and what He has shown me this morning, to help me re-gain my focus, trust Him more, surrender my fear, and to remember, “Obedience is doing, even when you don’t feel like it!”

Continuing, To Walk in Victory,