Well, I sure blew it tonight. I remembered why Chris and I never go out; we come home and it is literally a nightmare. Every time. It had been over a year since our last “date.” It will probably be longer than that next time. We came home to pencil markings on my only lower cabinet there is in the kitchen and the entire back hallway covered in pencil markings. Christopher and Kaitlyn both screaming for mine and Chris’ attention, crying over how they were wronged by their older sister (who wasn’t home much longer before we were so what could she had done?!)…..
In our attempts to get the kids their dinner and bath’s (we had an early movie and an early dinner), heck I don’t know what happened…Kaitlyn had pooped in her pull up and just pulled off her pull up like it was no big deal; Christopher was screaming because he had gotten in the tub and I made him get out because we try not to give them bath’s together….he’s screaming, she’s screaming, I’m screaming….gee, where is self control in this household? Where is the Holy Spirit in this mom’s life? Sure isn’t being demonstrated here. Christopher has recently (about six months ago) been diagnosed with ADHD. He also has many OCD symptoms, but not enough to be “diagnosed” and treated for it. He is currently on medications that seem to be doing great; however, Christopher has a horrible speech problem due to bad ear infections for the first two years of his life. The tubes helped, but he is over 18 months behind in his language and speaking skills. In other words, his 3 year old sister speaks clearer and is understood better than he is. Nine times out of ten I have to referee and be the buffer for everything regarding Christopher…translating what he is trying to say, I try to set the tone for the house when he is upset or something is wrong and he is trying to tell us. I try to be the patient one with Christopher and get others in the house to step back and evaluate…. now, I don’t always do a good job at that, but that is the role that I have and I really, really pray a lot and ask the Lord to help me in this area with ever situation that occurs. Well, I didn’t do that tonight. Tonight, in the midst of my four year old son screaming bloody murder for no reason at all, (in his mind I am sure he had a good reason and yes, he was very upset about something….)at least no reason we could find, I took the shower head I was using to shower Kaitlyn off with and shot it in his direction. All I was trying to do was get his attention. I only made things worse. Oh my gosh, much worse. I don’t understand what happened. I took all the frustration out on him that I was feeling. Me, the adult, to a four year old child. You know, it’s real easy to get arrogant and prideful and boast on certain things the Lord does in ones life. I’ve openly shared and exalted the Lord’s name many times when it comes to my sobriety. Tonight, the Lord showed me just how much I do need Him. How little I can do on my own and in the flesh and just how easy it is to screw up. Without Him, I’m the same sorry mother I was to my Kayla. I don’t want my kids to remember their mom as a mom that yelled and screamed. I have cried my eyes out tonight. I asked my little Christopher to forgive me for screaming at him. He asked me why I squirted him with the water and I told him, “I was trying to get your attention so you’d stop screaming.” He looked at me with the most beautiful blue eyes and said, “Can you do it a different way next time?” I chuckled and assured him I would. After I finished sobbing by his bed, he asked me to do prayer with him and sing “Doodle.” (A night time song my mom taught me.) In my efforts to sing I started crying again. He held my hand. I told him it was the best I could do tonight, that I just couldn’t finish. He told me that was OK. That I could just do it in my heart. My son is wise beyond his years.
I don’t want to yell anymore. I don’t want to be the same mom I used to be. I want my life, my kid’s life, to be better that that. I don’t want to think of a drink when I am faced with nights like this. I want my time of escape to be to run to the Lord. Tonight, I actually entertained the thought of leaving and going for a drink to “calm the nerves.” Crazy. Absolutely crazy. I’m rebuking it in the name of Jesus and claiming victory over my life and my kids life…our family. No more chaos. Satan does not and will not have a foothold in this family now or ever! Christ is the head of our home. Period the end.
I can hear a song in my head; no, in my heart…”I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee…..”
Oh how I need You, Lord.