Hmmm, I have to say my heart is pleased. Life has not been pleasant on the home front for some time. So many times I’ve wanted to share about it, but didn’t want what was going on to be public and didn’t want to embarrass my husband. The fact is, while I love my husband and I know he loves me, we have been living different lives, like two ships passing in the shipyard. I’ve regretted and regretted and I’m sure he has done the same. I was thrilled to make it to our 5th year anniversary, but found myself wondering in the last few months if we really would make it another five. So why can I share now? Well, my husband opened the door. Read on…
My part of this problem is that I put my kids before my husband. My friend Vickie has been praying for me about this because I was playing the “Well he isn’t doing his part card, so I’m not going to do my part.” She quickly reminded me that I knew better than that. She’s also been praying for me about this because I have been at a place where I just haven’t been able to pray. I’ve laid out of church for nearly four weeks. We’ve had sick kids, I’ve not been up to par and frankly, Sunday mornings are the only times I can go to the bathroom without my name being called. This morning I was filled with regret for not going, but selfishly, stayed home anyway. The guilt I felt was I didn’t want to be one of those parents who make their kids go to church while I lay out! While shooing them out the door in my heart I begged for forgiveness. I just needed some peace and quiet.
I don’t normally watch Pensacola Christian on T.V., but this morning while flipping the channel, I was intrigued by a different person preaching. He was molding clay and wearing an apron. Me, being the visual learner I am, had to stop and see what was going on. The preacher went on to share the stories of how God wants to bless us and while we sometimes prevent that, (as sinners) He can still use us. It might not be for the beautiful vase He had originally intended (that’s my interpretation), but even as a broken vessel it (we) can still be used. (I encourage you to get the tape, I know I will be.) I then began reflecting over the past few months of my life. Is He breaking me? Is all the c-r-a-p (I’m spelling it because I don’t like that word…:) that has occurred over the last few months because I have simply refused to put my husband before my kids? “Naah, couldn’t be,” I thought. Then I thought, “Or could it be?” What if it is? What if all the c-r-a-p is because of my direct disobedience to the call of Christ to put my husband first (second to Christ that is). While typing, the Lord just revealed to me that by not putting my husband first, I was actually putting Christ last as well. That hurts. My prayer this morning, my first prayer in many days, is that I asked the Lord to help me put my husband before the kids. Help me to love him, help me to give him the needs he has and help me…just help me. I wasn’t going to say anything to anybody, but just try, and see if it made a difference, until I read my husband’s post from today. It spoke to my heart as I know it will yours as well. http://musingsofanunquietmind.blogspot.com/ It took great courage for my husband to write and speak the truth. I am very proud of him. I can’t wait to be able to look at my husband with the same love and adoration I once looked at him with. I hope it comes back quickly. Please be praying for us. Satan will be working even harder to destroy us since we have both recognized problems in the camp, so to speak, and are both publicly voicing that we want our lives together, our home, to be better. Pray for our kids too, Kayla, Christopher, and Kaitlyn.
Thanks for letting me be real.