For nearly 2 1/2 months my life has been chaos. It started in June when my doctor diagnosed me with Depression. Me, depression I asked? How could it be? My walk with the Lord was closer and more intimate than it had ever been! I was at a great place in my life, at first I felt this was a faith issue. I struggled with that more than anything. I came to realize that depression is not a faith issue at all. It really is a chemical imbalance in your brain! Depression isn’t like the commercials either, at least not until you get on medication! The medication whirlwind drove me crazy. I was a basket case, mood swings, exhaustion, sleepless nights, I could go on and on. In the meantime, all the trials with Christopher were going on and shortly after, if you’ve read my blog at all, you know he was put on medication as well. That first was a nightmare of emotions and heartache! During this time we were approached by my mother-in-law about moving in to her house while she moved out to down-size. In just four weeks we packed her house, cleaned her house, painted her house, all the while trying to get our bodies adjusted to medications, packed our house in order to prepare to move and cleaned the old house in order to hopefully leave it in better condition than when we moved in….whew! Just typing it all out and re-thinking it is exhausting!
In all the chaos, I came to realize that I had lost my passion for Christ. Not only for Christ, but, I’ve missed five or six MEW meetings, I missed several weeks of Church and Sunday School, I missed two weeks of work, one from being sick with a migraine and one because I was so overwhelmed with “to-do’s” that I couldn’t get it all done if I worked.
My quiet time with the Lord became a wake up and go thing. No wonder my days became chaotic! At one point I even make a stupid comment, “Oh if I was high all this chaos wouldn’t bother me!” My brother-in-law quickly put me in check. I regretted saying that from the moment it came out of my mouth. I wouldn’t want to give up 10 years of sobriety for what seems to be a “quick fix” over emotions. The fact is, if I had continued my quiet times, more than likely the chaos would have never affected me.
After coming to this realization I attempted a quiet time. I opened my Bible and what usually speaks and flows right through to my heart was like a foreign language. Nothing on the pages seemed to make any since. I prayed, “Lord, just help me.” A few days later He sent a devotional to me through the Proverbs 31 devotionals. Great daily devotions by the way for any women interested! The title that day, which I hadn’t read is weeks, but something was just nudging me so hard that day to stop and read (I now know it was the Holy Spirit) was on being overwhelmed. Oh how it spoke to my heart and comforted me.
I want my passion to always be Christ and Christ alone. I don’t want my “to-do” list to overtake or get in the way of that. Today, I am having to constantly re-direct my thoughts and focus to Him. In my exhaustion and hopes of finishing cleaning the old place, I have to just rest in Him, and put Him first. Then, and only then will my passion for other ministries be filled.