Be Still My Heart..it’s a long one:)

I have countless stories where the Lord has provided for me and for my family in the last ten years. Some of the stories I’ve written about in my book, some I will blog about at another time. For now, a new story.

Part of my “melt down” yesterday was because I felt like a complete failure as a mother because I cannot financially provide for all that is being asked for us to do for Christopher…child psychiatrist, speech therapy three times a week, possible medications…that on top of an already strapped income and an enormous list of medications already being taken in the family due to diabetes, stress, depression and thyroid…it was just more than I could handle.

In the mist of my heartache is when I called my Pastor’s wife. As I mentioned yesterday she helped me to refocus. One thing I kept hearing her say was “the Lord will provide if that’s what He wants Christopher to have.” She said that over and over and over. Now, in my heart I already knew this and still know that, but my mind just overwhelmed with what was on paper. Her advice was “lets pray about this today. Take the kids outside and let them play and get dirty. I did that. A few times I tried taking back my worries, but every time I just said, “nope, not gonna deal with you today.” It worked! I had the most restful afternoon I’ve had in over six months. In fact, my son who never slows down, laid down with me and took a nap! In the midst of the storm, I could rest…reminds me of the Bible story where Jesus was sleeping on the boat and the waves were crashing all around….hhhmmm….kind of just confirms who really is in charge. How comforting.

I was up three or four hours last night with my two year old. My husband let me sleep until his ride was here; he even had my coffee ready for me! I had not intended to even put a post up this morning, until I logged on to my computer. Strangely enough there was a notice from my bank. We started getting child support for the first time ever for Kayla about a year ago. We have some neighbors that we caught going through our mail so we started having the checks direct deposited into our bank account. We sometimes go for weeks without any, and then will get three or four checks in one week. The last few weeks we have actually gotten them pretty regular, so to have a notice this morning from my bank surprised me as we received a deposit on Tuesday already. I checked the bank, there was a $600 deposit made by direct deposit! It came from Child Support Enforcement. Now, I don’t know why, I don’t know how, I cannot explain it, other than the mighty hand of God! The first thing I thought of was Ms. Liz’s words yesterday, “He will provide.” The second thing I thought of was how unfaithful I’ve been in the last two weeks. Instead of paying our tithes we’ve been paying for medical bills and medications. We hadn’t missed tithes in quite a while; and as I mentioned earlier have seen the hand of God many, many times, so why did I start doubting and try to handle things on my own? I can’t answer those questions, but what I can say is that when we are faithless, He is faithful. (2 Timothy 2:13)

I don’t know how far that $600 is going to take us, but I can stand this morning knowing I have a Father in Heaven who knows my needs before I do, who love me more than I can imagine, and loves my children more than I (can you imagine that?!) and wants to provide for me and my husband and my children.

I don’t know where you are with your tithing. I’d like to encourage you to give it a try. I hope there aren’t any times you waiver as I have the last two weeks. When I was challenged to write my first tithe check I was a single mother living on welfare. In fact, I started tithing before I was baptised! When I wrote my first check I literally saw spots before my eyes and got sick. I was that scared. A few days later my electric bill was mysteriously paid and an envelope was placed on my desk that said, “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s to the fair you go!” I couldn’t afford to take my daughter to the fair (we love the fair!), no one knew that, but the Lord knew. He not only provides for our needs, but He provides for our wants.

Thank you Lord for believing in me when I don’t, for not giving up on me when I doubt you, and for providing me for when I have no faith. Amen.

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