Just Thoughts….

Christopher’s hearing tests are tomorrow (Thursday). For some crazy reason I didn’t write down the time in my calendar…go figure. I have no idea what time the appointment is, but I have this gut “feeling” it’s at 8:00 a.m. Not a good thing since I am pretty sure I was supposed to register him in advance. I’ll start calling at 7 and see what I can find out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I seem to be slacking in my motherly responsibilities. Just can’t seem to pull it together lately.
Will let you know the outcome of his hearing tests. Also, I met with the pediatric psychologist on Monday. Went well and Christopher sees him on this coming Monday.

Kayla is riding with Justin more and more. Seems she is having more freedom to do “things” lately. I like that she is having more of her time, but also miss her not being home. Compared to “most” kids though, she is home a lot. We do keep close tabs, but are trying to loosen those apron strings and let those wings we’ve given her soar. Sometimes I’d like to clip those suckers back!

Kaitlyn was a pill tonight! I became so filled with rage I lost it. For 2 1/2 hours we kept putting her in bed! She thinks it’s a game…almost every night we go through this. I spanked, I yelled, I cried, I threw temper tantrums (yes, I set a great example…), I was just so tired after a long day of cooking that all I wanted to do was sit down and not think….that didn’t happen until 30 minutes ago…long day. The entire time I was fighting this two year old strong willed child, I kept thinking, “A gentle answer turns away wrath…” and while I knew this, I wouldn’t surrender to it. In the end, the flesh won and guilt then took over. In my heart, did I spank her too much…I think I did, did I spank her too hard…I think I did…did I yell and scare her…yes I did. I thought she was finally asleep and went to kneel at her bed; she was still awake. It was then that I had to tell my two year old (baby) that I was sorry for spanking in anger, that I love her and had to ask her to forgive me. In her sweet little voice she said, “I fowgive yew mommee.” (I didn’t type it wrong, that’s how she really said it.) She then put her one arm around my neck (she was holding her doggie with the other) and pulled me to her and hugged me. Another night….out of the mouth of a babe….it’s moments like that, that make me want to be a better mom, to not let satan get a foothold in our home. I hope and pray I don’t quench the Holy Spirit the next time the ugly head of anger comes lurking.

It’s been a long time since I was filled with so much anger…I don’t know what happened or how it crept in, but it did. I can’t sleep now because it bothers me so that I didn’t see it coming. I don’t want my kids to obey me because they fear me, I want them to obey me because they have so much love for me that they just automatically respect me. Does that make since? Am I living in a fairy tale? Don’t get me wrong, I think some fear of your parents is good, sorta like the fear I have of the Father in Heaven….but tonight, I was pushing the limits.

Thank you Lord for forgiveness, for grace, for mercy….

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